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                                   9 Traits of People Who Weren’t Told "I’m Proud of You" in Childhood, According to Psychologists

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Validation and positive affirmation from parents are essential to a child’s development. "Positive affirmation, whether it’s verbal or conveyed in other ways, contributes to an internal working model in which kids see themselves positively, view the world as a safe place, and regard other people as sources of support, all of which set them up for emotional well-being and healthy relationships in the future,” explains Dr. Alice Connors-Kellgren, PhD, a clinical psychologist and Director of the Developmental Trauma Clinic at Tufts Medical Center.
 

Before exploring common traits developed by people who didn’t hear “I’m proud of you” as kids, Dr. Santorelli emphasizes that while a lack of positive affirmations like this can contribute to these traits, it’s usually not the only cause. 

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1. Low self-esteem 

Unsurprisingly, not hearing that your parent is proud of you can lead one to question their worth and develop low self-esteem. 

“Saying ‘I’m proud of you’ lets kids know that they have worth, both in who they are and their accomplishments,” says Dr. Connors-Kellgren. “Without this affirmation, kids (and later adults) might wonder if they are worthy."

Dr. Santorelli adds that these individuals might hold themselves back from wonderful opportunities due to a subconscious belief they have developed, convincing them that they’re not “good enough,” deserving, or worthy. 

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2. Lack of identity 

If a child doesn’t hear this specific encouraging phrase from caregivers, they might not develop a clear understanding of who they are or what they enjoy doing.

“One of the most common traits a person may develop when not provided positive affirmation as a child is a lack of identity or a clear sense of self,” says Dr. Cynthia Shaw, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and owner of Authentically Living Psychological Services. “When a child isn’t encouraged to explore interests, self-expression, and different narratives or is met with indifference, they may feel unsure about who they are, what they like, and what they believe in, leading to insecurity, low self-esteem, and interpersonal inferiority."
 

3. Perfectionism 

As one might expect, not hearing “I’m proud of you” during childhood or only receiving it conditionally can lead someone to overcompensate by striving for perfection to avoid feelings of inadequacy. 

“When this reassurance is lacking or the affirmation only comes after a performance, task, or achievement, it’s easy for a child to believe that love is something to be earned,” says Dr. Shaw. “A person with this perspective may become perfectionistic, work excessively, or overachieve to seek validation.”

Dr. Santorelli adds that setting unrealistically high standards is common among individuals who display this perfectionist trait. 

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4. People-pleasing

Just as you might expect, and similar to perfectionism, many people who didn’t hear that their parents were proud of them during childhood develop people-pleasing tendencies or traits. Dr. Shaw notes that people-pleasing often refers to someone engaging in activities—even if it’s to their own detriment—to seek external validation.

“This person has a fragile sense of self and seeks affirmations and validation from others because they desire belonging, acceptance, and connection,” she shares. “They become highly skilled at reading people, anticipating others' needs, and performing at a high level to gain praise."
 

5. Hyper-independence 

Basically, not hearing 'I’m proud of you” might cause someone to feel they need to be proud of themselves on their own. While that may seem okay at first, hyper-independence can be harmful.

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'Growing up without positive affirmations as emotional support and nurturance may send the message that you are on your own and it’s safer not to rely on others for support,” says Dr. Santorelli. “Hyper-independence may develop from learning early that emotional needs won’t be met, leading to a ‘do it myself’ mindset to avoid vulnerability.”

 

6. Depression 

Dr. Connors-Kellgren points out that some people may, unfortunately, develop depression if they lack validation and reassurance from their parents while growing up. Although depression might not be directly caused by not hearing this specific phrase, if a person develops other traits we’ve listed, they could also end up with depression due to those related conditions, so to speak. "Low self-esteem, low motivation, and a poor sense of self can all contribute to depression, including low mood and negative perceptions of the world,” she explains.

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7. Anxiety

People who didn’t grow up hearing “I’m proud of you” from those raising them might begin to develop mild to severe anxiety. "Uncertainty about one’s self-worth, one’s efficacy, and one’s place in the world can lead to feelings of anxiety,” says Dr. Connors-Kellgren.

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8. Self-doubt 

Dr. Santorelli explains that someone who wasn’t told this specific confidence-boosting phrase in childhood might struggle with self-doubt, leading them to second-guess their decisions often.

“Without hearing ‘I’m proud,’ or other positive affirmations in your childhood, you may not have built a strong sense of inner confidence, so doubt becomes your default,” she shares. 

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9. Insecurity in relationships

Since a child’s parents or caregivers are generally one of the most important relationships in a child’s life (if not the most important), not being told “I’m proud of you” by these individuals can harm their future relationships.

“When someone has not received positive affirmation as a child, they may have felt uncertain about the security of their relationship with their parent and may carry that insecurity into friendships and romantic partnerships later on,” explains Dr. Connors-Kellgren.

Dr. Santorelli adds that this may also lead to difficulties being emotionally intimate with others and cause them to keep feelings bottled up.
 

How To Heal From Lack of Childhood Validation in Adulthood

While people usually benefit from hearing “I’m proud of you” during childhood, it’s not “game over” for those who weren’t told this (or not enough). They can definitely heal from this in adulthood. Although it may take a bit longer to recover as an adult—since the brain loses some plasticity—it’s not impossible.

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There are several methods one can use to not only heal their inner child but also their adult brain. Dr. Connors-Kellgren points out that therapy can be an effective way to work through childhood wounds. And for those who can’t attend formal therapy sessions, there are other activities they can incorporate into their daily routines to support their healing process. “Ultimately, the work involves noticing your own accomplishments and positive qualities and providing positive reinforcement to yourself (including your inner child),” she says. “You can also involve loved ones to be intentional about giving affirmation to you in a thoughtful and consistent manner.” Dr. Santorelli adds that journaling and writing down affirmations can also be helpful. 

 

Beth Ann Mayer

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Sources: 

• Dr. Alice Connors-Kellgren, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and Director of the Developmental Trauma Clinic at Tufts Medical Center. 

• Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia.

• Dr. Cynthia Shaw, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and owner of Authentically Living Psychological Services.     

*Adapted from: https://parade.com/living/traits-of-people-who-did-not-hear-im-proud-of-you-as-kids-according-to-psychologists, October 5, 2025